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Note: When I wrote this document in January 1999, I was living in a different world. Because of the terrorist attacks, forgiveness is more of a top-rated subject than it has ever been before in my lifetime.
This page gathers together many insights on forgiveness that sustained me across the years. The additional content highlighted near the end of the page is my prayerful effort to express recent new thoughts about forgiveness.
The Anatomy of Forgiveness
We want to forgive.
We are forgiving.
We have forgiven.
We are free!
The woman was devastated that her husband had been unfaithful in their marriage eleven years ago. When he died last year she had not been able to (or had not wanted to) forgive him. Because she has not, and felt she cannot forgive, she is hooked on hurt and hate. These negative powers have taken over her life and she is an emotional cripple. She said she can't relate to her children nor even to her grandchildren.
Many people have told her that she must forgive her husband or she will never be free from him. She agrees that she must, she has tried to, but she has been unable to forgive. A painful hurt has been hooked into her spirit for more than eleven years. A visible result of her inability to forgive is the deep scowl that is etched into her face. Her countenance is so empty and forlorn, one wonders how long it has been since she laughed. If it had been possible, she would have dealt with his betrayal at the time it happened, but she could not forgive. During the intervening years she has found no way to forgive, and when he died outside of her forgiveness, it was like another nail had been driven into the coffin of her un-forgiveness. She now feels she is permanently trapped in enslavement to her husband and she has the scowl to prove it. Everything about her story, her sense of being broken, and her appearance cries out, "What can I do?"
Non-Stick Answers
Many non-stick answers have been offered for her devastating question:
- You have to forgive your husband . . .
- Forgive him for what he did . . .
- Forgive him for hurting you so deeply . . .
- Forgive him for dying before he was forgiven . . .
- Forgive him for lashing you into a seemingly permanent enslavement to a hurtful wrong!
All of these are non-stick answers, every one. She continues to anguish and weep over her version of a question which many people have asked, "How do I forgive when I can't?"
I have no soft, or easy, or final answer, only shared experiences and some discoveries along the way.
Hard Sayings On Forgiveness
Her question prompts a hard saying, "You have to forgive!" Let me say it another way, "YOU MUST FORGIVE!" To forgive is often hard and even painful. But not to forgive has downward sucking consequences.
Not to forgive means that one is forever lashed to the person or the deed.
Not to forgive creates a permanent enslavement to the heinous memory,
Not to forgive drains away the rest of one's life.
So, not to forgive is unthinkable!
Forgiveness Experience
Rosalie and I have stood on the brink of non-forgiveness. Nothing has produced in us a greater sense of panic. Since I am not there now, I can see some things that helped when I was there.
First: I realized that tough forgiveness is possible. Many people have forgiven worse things than I have faced.
Second: I discovered that forgiveness is a science. Certain conditions are necessary in the process of forgiveness because they are causal. For example, one begins with an intention to forgive. Although the intention to forgive may be tentative and non-active, it is the place to begin, because it causes something else to happen. A growing intention to forgive creates a desire to forgive. Unless forgiveness becomes a desire of one's heart, forget it—which is exactly what you will do! A desire is far more powerful than an intention, because an intention may be flighty or flimsy. But, if there is a desire to forgive, it is solidly anchored within me.
Desire is causal because it enables action, and action is an essential part of forgiveness. Forgiveness is never passive or docile, and it does not just happen when we are not looking. Forgiveness does not drop out of the blue into our laps. Forgiveness happens as a direct result of something we do. Our forgiveness of another requires that we are totally involved in the process.
Third: I discovered that there is also an art to forgiveness.
When Rosalie and I were first married we experienced a deep hurt from a close friend. He defiled our relationship by willfully spreading the rumor within the congregation I served that our first child would be born out of wedlock. We laughed when we first heard the rumor because we had not had sex before our marriage. He persisted with the rumor and the result became ugly and hurtful.
In the end, ten months was close, but O.K. Close is good enough in pregnancies and horseshoes.
As I later reflected on the episode, it was like we were standing before an empty canvass and we could choose what to put there—our broken spirits, despair, hate, unceasing anguish—or what?
Instead of those, we chose to take it in stages...like an artist applies paints. Rather than being eaten up with hate and its resulting hurt, we chose to forgive. This was all we knew to do at that time. It seemed best to forgive him and move on. For several weeks our intention to forgive was our only place to stand, so we began to try to do it.
Eventually, after many weeks, we could say, "We have forgiven him." We severed our relationship with him, but not because we hated, or even disliked him. We had learned to stay away from a very hot stove. This happened nearly forty years ago. Because we made the right choice of what to put on our canvas we have had forty years of freedom from a terrible and hurtful betrayal of close friendship.
We used four colors from our artist's palate. At various stages of our experience of forgiveness we could say
- We want to forgive.
- We are forgiving.
- We have forgiven.
- We have freedom from the hurt.
We learned that there is an art to forgiveness and that forgiveness is a beautiful picture that is worth painting.
Fourth: Initially, we said forgiveness is a science, and that it is also an art. Ultimately, forgiveness is also a spiritual gift. It is a gift from God that provides a person the mystical power to forgive.
There are attitudes to hold, steps to take, conditions to meet, and accomplishments to attain, but all of these are only preparatory to receiving the gift of the power to forgive, which God is eager to give to the brokenhearted. One does not "line up the stars," or take a few steps, or jump through certain hoops to become enabled to reach down and grunt up a portion of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a spiritual gift.
How to forgive when we can't forgive? Through receiving the gift of a spiritual power that is beyond human capacities. Forgiveness power is an ultimate form of spiritual power. It is a power to be prayed for: " . . .forgive us for our sins even as we forgive those who sin against us. . ."
It is a power to be coveted! The following is an eternal truth: God, Christ, the Holy Spirit, all the Company of Heaven, and people around you, want you to receive the gift of the power to forgive.
Update
The terrorist attacks on September 11, have stretched the capacity of all of us to forgive the terrorists. For me, these acts are so totally un-redeemable, they are clearly beyond my capacity of forgiveness. Only God can give me grace to consider forgiveness of this horrific experience.
A Forgiving Spirit Is Essential
A visitor in our home said, "I don't do forgiveness!" She said this three times in a relatively brief afternoon visit. Saying, "I don't do forgiveness" is far worse than saying, "I can't forgive."
Unless you are saying, "I don't do forgiveness," there is hope for you. Anyone of the previous listings will help you to eventually forgive: intending, desiring, acting to forgive; realizing that forgiveness is possible, practicing the science and the art of forgiveness; praying to receive the gift of forgiveness. All of these are helpful.
We all wish that forgiveness could always come swiftly, but it usually requires time, which is something all of us have. We must devote all the rest of our allotted time, if necessary, to developing a forgiving spirit and continue to pray for the spiritual gift that will empower forgiveness. A forgiving spirit is a definite upgrade over a hateful or vengeful spirit; a forgiving spirit is a wonderful place to begin. A forgiving spirit will enable you to receive—and give—the gift of forgiveness.
What Some People Have Done
The Alcoholics Anonymous book says time and again: pray for the best for the person. . . pray that all of his/her needs will be met. . . pray for the total well-being of the person. . . continue to pray until, when you think of that person, you think only of her/his good.
It may be that the gift enabling you to forgive is God's favorite gift to give you.
Danny E. Morris, - this document was originally written in January of 1999, and updated in September of 2001, after day 11. |
